They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
