and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I would ride that face into the sunset
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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