Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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