he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
