At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
