My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
