During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
