Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
either way he was missing a nipple.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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