Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
