took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
