I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
