I wanna passion pit in your ass
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I did not marry a roomba.
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