dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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