I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
