Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
