can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
