My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
