She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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