Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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