the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
