2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
