I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
