Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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