Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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