Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
