I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
