You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
