Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
