this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
