that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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