Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
