you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
