life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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