Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
