I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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