I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
