Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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