I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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