Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
