I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
