Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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