Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
