if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
