Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
