12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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