If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
