A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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