i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Dear god my vagina.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
