i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
