The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
