The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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