Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
